It is cold outside, and so am I.

Life is way too complicated as of late. There are many issues that have been brought to my attention, both by way of friends as well as through conviction by the Holy Spirit of the Living God.

Complication number one- this burden of school has bent me to the point of breaking. I want to take a semester off more than anything, yet I fear that if I do so I will never come back. I study, I sweat, I stress, and I miss sleep. I have found out that I indeed will pass everything. I am even getting some A's. Has that brought relief? No.

Complication number two- I am so defiant. I tried to lead a Bible study last night on the spiritual discipline of Submission, although I simply became frustrated and convicted, and not much leading was done on my part. I realize that this whole cigarette smoking and being cynical and all that it entails is simply an effort on my part to "stick it to the man" or whatever the hell you'd wish to label it with. I don't want to follow trinity's rules, or so I tell myself. I don't want to go to Chapel, but today I realized that every single semester I have been here, i have blown off Chapel credit, trying to show others that I don't care, but freaking out at the last minute and getting just enough. No joke. Benjamin Krogh's chapel credit record still stands at exactly 32, no more, no less, each semester. I've barely made it each semester. Why? What is the point of this defiance? I have a lot to think about.

Complication number three- I want to play music. SO MUCH. I want to play music so badly that I immaturely composed my last sentence out of two words in all caps. That alone says something. I have a burning desire to do nothing but play, to write, to sing. I want to play for Chapel, even, to serve the Lord with my talents. And yet, week after week, I watch my best friend using my bass, my other friends using my bass, even acquaintances using my bass. I have yet to play it for Chapel this semester. I have been given the opportunity to lead worship tomorrow night. However, it is being held in a smaller building, others are busy, and many friends who I asked to attend will be busy. Why? Because the Lord God Almighty has seen it fit to beat me over the head with humility. And I hate it. I want people to know that I can write good music, hell, damn good music when I put my mind to it. But that is selfish. But now that I have found the desire to deny myself and simply worship, the Lord gives me worship opportunities that ensure that I will do just that.

If Pride cometh before the fall, when will I find the edge of this cliff upon which I have been stumbling?

yearning for Narnia

I really hate living. Don't take me wrong, I love the people I live with, I love my friends, I love my family. I love viewing the creation that my Lord and God has blessed me with, and I certainly love recreation such as skateboarding, snowboarding, guitar playing, writing, etc. However, I am really sick of the life in which we live. I know that my last post discussed this to some extent, but as I explained, my battery died and I couldn't quite finish.

Like I said in my last post, I am in love. I wouldn't trade that for anything, and that is not something that I am hating at this present time, by any means. Grace is to me what her name implies. The fact that I am blessed by this amazing woman of God who supports me and loves me no matter what is nothing short of the "Amazing Grace" of God. I know, it's a cheesy line that I will most likely causing her to roll her eyes at for the rest of our lives.

What I do hate is the triviality of suburbia, the triviality of earning tons of money only to save it, the triviality of the 9-5 shift, the triviality of keeping up with the Joneses. I feel somewhat like the Teacher:

¹ The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

² "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

³ What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

⁴ Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

⁵ The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

⁶ The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

-Ecclesiastes 1:1-6

I walked into our suite the other night, to see that my suitemate Kale was watching the end of the Chronicles of Narnia movie. I sat down to watch this with him, and was surprised by the fact that I was almost brought to tears by it. I wanted nothing more than to run off to an imaginative place, to not strive here anymore, to simply live my life and not worry about the "meaningless" things of this world. I have been yearning for "Narnia" lately. However, there is hope for me:

⁷ Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. ⁸ Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. ⁹ Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. ¹⁰ Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Ecclesiastes 9:7-10

That's what I plan to do. God help me, I'm going to live this meaningless life.