Mercy for an ungrateful fool.

<sup>The Lord is so amazing. I am always amazed by how much he can love a being like me. A prideful, selfish human being. Why do I choose to live my life in an endless response of ingratitude when he has done so much for me that I may live and have life? Oh God, I have been rebellious against you, I have relied upon myself to make things right, I have been so childish. Help me to get back on my feet, to love others as you do, to focus completely and wholly upon your face. For it is only then that I can stand, it is only then that I can bear the weight and pain of this world. Without you, I am nothing. Contrary to my own beliefs, Father, I am not great. I am not talented. I am not kind. I am not respectful. I am not meek. I am not understanding. But you are, Lord. Oh, Lord, you are all these things and more, and that is exactly what I need. Please fill me with your spirit; help me to love. This sheep has wandered so far, Lord. I have gone off on m own, convinced that I can not only make it on my own, but also that I can excel on my own. How terribly foolish I am! Humble this fool, Lord. Humble me so that the only direction I can climb is upward, towards your plans, towards your purpose.



1</sup> Ascribe to the LORD, O mighty ones,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.

² Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of his ^[a] holiness.

³ The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.

⁴ The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic.

⁵ The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.

⁶ He makes Lebanon skip like a calf,
Sirion ^[b] like a young wild ox.

⁷ The voice of the LORD strikes
with flashes of lightning.

⁸ The voice of the LORD shakes the desert;
the LORD shakes the Desert of Kadesh.

⁹ The voice of the LORD twists the oaks ^[c]
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

¹⁰ The LORD sits ^[d] enthroned over the flood;
the LORD is enthroned as King forever.

¹¹ The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Give me your peace, Lord. Give me your strength! Give me ears to hear, and lips that I may praise you in your temple, that I may scream "Glory!" with all that I have.

It is cold outside, and so am I.

Life is way too complicated as of late. There are many issues that have been brought to my attention, both by way of friends as well as through conviction by the Holy Spirit of the Living God.

Complication number one- this burden of school has bent me to the point of breaking. I want to take a semester off more than anything, yet I fear that if I do so I will never come back. I study, I sweat, I stress, and I miss sleep. I have found out that I indeed will pass everything. I am even getting some A's. Has that brought relief? No.

Complication number two- I am so defiant. I tried to lead a Bible study last night on the spiritual discipline of Submission, although I simply became frustrated and convicted, and not much leading was done on my part. I realize that this whole cigarette smoking and being cynical and all that it entails is simply an effort on my part to "stick it to the man" or whatever the hell you'd wish to label it with. I don't want to follow trinity's rules, or so I tell myself. I don't want to go to Chapel, but today I realized that every single semester I have been here, i have blown off Chapel credit, trying to show others that I don't care, but freaking out at the last minute and getting just enough. No joke. Benjamin Krogh's chapel credit record still stands at exactly 32, no more, no less, each semester. I've barely made it each semester. Why? What is the point of this defiance? I have a lot to think about.

Complication number three- I want to play music. SO MUCH. I want to play music so badly that I immaturely composed my last sentence out of two words in all caps. That alone says something. I have a burning desire to do nothing but play, to write, to sing. I want to play for Chapel, even, to serve the Lord with my talents. And yet, week after week, I watch my best friend using my bass, my other friends using my bass, even acquaintances using my bass. I have yet to play it for Chapel this semester. I have been given the opportunity to lead worship tomorrow night. However, it is being held in a smaller building, others are busy, and many friends who I asked to attend will be busy. Why? Because the Lord God Almighty has seen it fit to beat me over the head with humility. And I hate it. I want people to know that I can write good music, hell, damn good music when I put my mind to it. But that is selfish. But now that I have found the desire to deny myself and simply worship, the Lord gives me worship opportunities that ensure that I will do just that.

If Pride cometh before the fall, when will I find the edge of this cliff upon which I have been stumbling?

yearning for Narnia

I really hate living. Don't take me wrong, I love the people I live with, I love my friends, I love my family. I love viewing the creation that my Lord and God has blessed me with, and I certainly love recreation such as skateboarding, snowboarding, guitar playing, writing, etc. However, I am really sick of the life in which we live. I know that my last post discussed this to some extent, but as I explained, my battery died and I couldn't quite finish.

Like I said in my last post, I am in love. I wouldn't trade that for anything, and that is not something that I am hating at this present time, by any means. Grace is to me what her name implies. The fact that I am blessed by this amazing woman of God who supports me and loves me no matter what is nothing short of the "Amazing Grace" of God. I know, it's a cheesy line that I will most likely causing her to roll her eyes at for the rest of our lives.

What I do hate is the triviality of suburbia, the triviality of earning tons of money only to save it, the triviality of the 9-5 shift, the triviality of keeping up with the Joneses. I feel somewhat like the Teacher:

¹ The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

² "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

³ What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

⁴ Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

⁵ The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

⁶ The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

-Ecclesiastes 1:1-6

I walked into our suite the other night, to see that my suitemate Kale was watching the end of the Chronicles of Narnia movie. I sat down to watch this with him, and was surprised by the fact that I was almost brought to tears by it. I wanted nothing more than to run off to an imaginative place, to not strive here anymore, to simply live my life and not worry about the "meaningless" things of this world. I have been yearning for "Narnia" lately. However, there is hope for me:

⁷ Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. ⁸ Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. ⁹ Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. ¹⁰ Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Ecclesiastes 9:7-10

That's what I plan to do. God help me, I'm going to live this meaningless life.

It's been a while

So it has been quite some time since I have taken the time to post on this old blog here. My apologies.

So what has been transpiring in my life, you ask? What's been making me tick?

Autumn is an excellent season, that's for sure, but I find that I begin to reminisce more in this season than any other time of the year. It's almost as if I sit back and say, "what have I done with my life thus far this year?" I find myself remembering the "good times" and summer time and many other situations that have come and gone and I am still here longing after. I don't want to be here at school. I want to stay out late and run through the grass with no shoes on, I want to be apart from streetlights and car alarms, and I want to be in love and have nothing else to care of worry about. This burden of life troubles me, not in the extreme that I would love to "off myself" and be done with it, but more in the sense that these days I don't want to do anything but drop out of school and live my life apart from all of this madness. I want to write, play music, start a family, and do things I like. I don't want to worry about the next assignment, I don't want to become so stressed out that my stomach hurts, I don't wish for this place where the highway is constantly busy and the money is made, and I certainly don't desire this feeling that I am unhappy simply due to the fact that I have a project to finish.

I realized this on the trip up to Marquette, Michigan that I took this past weekend with Grace. We drove for six hours, and it was one of the most peaceful things that has happened to me in a long time. We could drive, listen to music, choose to not listen to music (if we wished), talk about life, each other, whatever we wanted. And that was amazing. As we drove, we got farther and farther away from the things that held us captive. There were fewer cars, fewer restaurants, fewer streetlights, fewer buildings, fewer things altogether. The further we went, the more relaxed I felt. I was able to appreciate a Northern Wisconsin autumn, and see the gorgeous color that flecked the trees as well as the ground. It was beautiful, plain and simple.

There is no way that I am going to waste my life away in suburbia. NO WAY.

And another thing. I'm in love. I know this sounds ridiculous, and I really hate to hear about others' love lives, but it's a fact. I have found a love that is pure, that loves me even though I am a jerk and let people down. It's a love that thinks I am funny, even though everyone knows I'm not. It's a love that I relate to, a love that doesn't bore me. A love that is my best friend, that I can spend time with and not wish I was somewhere else. It's incredible. Grace and I will be married, and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I realized that this weekend.

I have so much more to say, but I am in Bib Interp and my battery is going to die. Those thoughts will have to wait.

I have so much to do.

I have so much to do. It's true. I have a Greek exam after this Biology Lecture, my Bib Interp paper is due tomorrow, I have a Bib Interp exam on Thursday, a Biology exam on Friday, and I work this week, not to mention Student Government, as well as Bible Study. Crap, I'm over involved and I don't really know what to do about it. I guess I can propose a leadership change at Student Government, that would probably be the best.

Life problems aside, God is really good. I have been so blessed lately, and even though I am struggling with many different things, God has given me friends and family that have been able to give me the support that I need to get through it, or even to simply talk through it. What do I do to thank him for this undeserved help and support? Not much, let me tell you.

I went home with Eric for fall break to Grand Rapids, and stayed with his family. It was great.

We created some good memories, everything from going to Common Ground every single day we were there to getting tattoos together. I won't ever forget this weekend.

I got to see his little brother, Carson, again, and I guess I'm now "adopted" into the family. It's sweet.

I talked to Grace about many things this weekend, about the future, money, us, and other important items. I've been kind of a numbskull but she has been so patient.

The Lord is good and has provided me with all of these things that I don't even deserve. Heck, I haven't even really tried to deserve them, I've just been sort of a negligent son.

The Lord is so amazing when we can't even get to the point where we are deserving of anything he gives us. Isn't that crazy?

I'm about to break down... (get it? fall BREAK?)

Hey y'all. I'm about to go to work, for about 7 hours tonight. Its a pretty substantial shift, if I do say so myself. Afterwards, I will be going on a little journey to Grand Rapids, Michigan, with my good friend Eric Fisher. It will be an awesome trip, filled with giddiness and maybe some concerts and tattoos. We will see.

I just wanted to write in here quick and say a few things, because I realized that I haven't written in here for a bit. I'm still alive, I assure all of the few that read this, and I plan on writing more in the future. I've just been really busy as of late. I got a new job at Starbucks, which is cool, so that's been a big time hog with me getting trained and everything. I'm also trying to be a vegetarian... again. Eric and I have decided that we didn't eat THAT much meat anyway, and it would be healthier for us to just try going veggie. So we're about a week in and I actually feel pretty dang good.

I've also been noticing lately how much America is enslaved to food. I will now work a shift and drink a venti glass of soy milk for dinner and be fine. And you know what? I realized that drinking soy milk for a meal is fine. Because I have plenty of reserves in my body that I don't realized, and my stomach is only accustomed to eating three times a day. When my stomach growls, it isn't hungry. It's just letting me know that "Hey, Ben, you're not eating when you normally do! That's kind of weird." So many people (including myself) have this mindset of "if I want to have a good time, I should eat something." It's my goal to rid myself of that annoying nuisance of a mindset. It can only hinder us as a culture, not help us. So that's my goal.

Also, it's cooler today and I'm listening to Brand New. I went to all of my classes, and I have been blessed with amazing friends and an absolutely gorgeous female friend. The Lord is good.

In class, being great.

So I'm sitting here in Bio lecture, bored out of my mind, so I decided to write a little post here. Last night we had our floor Bible study, and it was really really good. All of the guys had a lot of good stuff to say, and it was a great discussion. Afterwards, Grace and I were talking about things and I shared some of the stories that were shared with her of modern miracles and whatnot. I don't remember who brought it up, but we started to talk about how so often we hear of these great things happening that the Lord is doing, but we aren't really amazed, or we write it off as hokey. We realized that our lives are filled with so many facts, and so many scientific proofs, that we have lost our natural wonder for things in life. We see a flower bloom, and that's cool. But we know that due to photosynthesis and pollination, the flower is able to bloom. Yesterday, I watched the stages of mitosis and meiosis take place before my very eyes in Bio lab. Prophase, Metaphase, Anaphase, and Telaphase. All of it. That's being able to see changes at the cellular level! How ridiculous is that? Don't you wish that you didn't know as much sometimes, so you can fully be amazed when you see the first snow, or a spring rain, and not know that it's simply the water cycle? Wouldn't it be great if you didn't know how everything worked? Granted, I love the facts that we do have, considering because of those facts we have antibiotics, computers, cures for diseases, and preventative measures against such things. I just think that sometimes I would love to experience the world through the eyes of a child again, and be completely enthralled by the sight of a new bug, or by the feel of grass beneath my feet. It would just be nice.

So those are my thoughts at this moment in time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pay attention to learning about DNA structure and function. I'll see you later.

Saturday, the 29th.

It’s a strange feeling that you get, when you’re someplace that you’ve been before, but not quite. Yes, it’s the same, or at least, feels the same. It’s a Saturday morning, the books are on the bookshelf, and the soft autumn sunlight is falling upon the pillows. But it’s not the same. It’s different because this isn’t where it was last time. This is here. Now. Now she is at work, and I am here, left to think, left to read, left to let my mind wander. Wander to where? To a place where this day lasts a lifetime and these bittersweet feelings are my everyday companions? To a place where our voices utter exactly what we mean to say the first time? To the future, which is filled only with delusions and hopes, fears and desires? No, my mind cannot wander down those hallways, because it will always return to me here, empty handed, to realize that none of that matters. What matters is that I am here, looking out the window and hearing the cars go by, and that I would give absolutely anything to become the man that can say exactly what he means without sounding foolish. It astounds me that I have felt the overwhelming need to write when it seems that I have absolutely nothing to say.

Working in the computer lab, much cooler.

So I'm here. Working. I'm bored out of my mind. Well, not completely bored out of my mind, but kind of bored. I still have my mind, is what I'm trying to say. To prove it to all of you, I will write this creative story:



"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper."

-Children's nursery rhyme, 1795


Jack hated his sister, Jill. She was always following him around, wasting his time and asking him stupid questions. Just because he was older didn't mean she had to annoy him every waking hour, did it? If he took a walk, she had to take a walk. If he wanted some cereal, she would want cereal. If he wanted to ride his bike, she wanted to ride her bike. And so on and so forth. It was almost getting to the point that her bowel movements were timed to his. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? It was, and that is precisely what got Jack so fired up in the first place.

Jack decided to talk to his father, Captain Daniel Spriggs, about this predicament, but he had to wait until he came back from one of his expeditions. You see, Jack's father was a famous captain of the flag ship "Debunker" It was a silly name for a ship, but it happened to undergo some very serious expeditions, such as hunting for pirates, killing pirates, recruiting pirate navigator to find secret pirate ports, and transporting the King's favorite pipe tobacco.

Jack had to wait for quite a while, since this particular trip was taking his father longer than usual. Little did he know that his father was actually a pirate himself, and hid this from the King (and his family) by killing his entire crew of imperial soldiers each trip and replacing them with pirates. Thus he would spread the pirate influence all around the globe, while simply telling his friends back home that his crew were just transferred to another port. There is no logical explanation for how he pulled this off for over 20 years, but apparently the local populace was not too bright.

During this time, Jack was constantly being annoyed by Jill. She even began to time sneezes and yawns perfectly to the ones emitted by Jack. Jack knew that younger siblings could copy their older brothers or sisters, but this had to be indicative of some type of personality or identity disorder! Once his father was done pillaging a tropical port about 400 miles away, he returned to the humble port town from whence he came to spend time with his family. Of course, Jack was waiting for him.

"Father!" Jack moaned as his rapscallion of a paternal figure strode up the front walk, "Jill won't stop copying my actions! It's really annoying!" Jack said this while flailing his arms wildly around his head. This whole experience with Jill had definitely turned him into a real loony. His father realized this, and, in order to help out his lunatic son, gave Jack a chore. "Jack, can you go up to our faucet on top of the hill in our backyard and fill up this pail?" Jack looked up at his father in exasperation, wondering why the hell his father wanted a pail full of water, or why he wouldn't answer his question. However, children were more obedient back in these times, so off Jack went, to fetch a pail of water. "weird kid." his father muttered as he counted his pirate booty.

Jill was inside, actually minding her own business for once, when she noticed Jack outside, walking towards the gigantic hill with the "family pail" in his hand. "Hmm..." she thought. "I wonder where that brother of mine is going? I think I'll follow him and then scare him! That would be funny!" So she grabbed her favorite doll, Milly, and ran out the back door, already giggling at the thought of what she was about to do.

Meanwhile, Jack was in a very grumpy mood as he hauled the family pail up the hill. Why did he have to complete this stupid chore? It didn't make any sense to him, and only made him even more ornery. He was thinking about how angry he was at the whole situation when he breached the hill. He lowered his pail into the porcelain faucet and began filling it with clean water. He finished his task and turned to walk back down the hill. As he was about to walk down, Jill popped up behind a mulberry bush and screamed "Hey, Jack! I want to walk with you, too!" while waving her arms around madly, as she has been seeing Jack do lately. Little does she know that her annoyances have caused this strange quirk, and her repeating it only makes it worse. Jack is caught off guard and suddenly falls off the side of the hill, and begins to gain momentum as his body flops wildly as a rag doll. Jill thought this looked really entertaining, so she fell after him. Jack hit the bottom and realized that he had just received a minor skull fracture, and began to cry.

Then Jill hit the bottom.

Her legs were thrown awkwardly to the side, and her head lolled unevenly onto the ground. Jack slowly got to his feet and examined his sister, to find that she had broken her spine in several places, and had no pulse. His tears immediately dried up, and he began to laugh, dancing in a circle around his antagonist's corpse. He began to scream, "Daddy knew what he was doing! Daddy knew what he was doing!" at the top of his lungs, all the while dancing like a madman.

His father looked out of the study window and noticed his son dancing around the crumpled body of his daughter. "Weird kids? Fucked up kids is more like it." He exclaimed, and lit his pipe.


THE END


now i know that the generally accepted history of this nursery rhyme is that Jack was Louis XVI, and that Jill was Queen Marie Antoinette, but this is so much better. See? I haven't lost my mind at all.

Well hello

hey folks, just me saying hi. I have not updated this blog in a long time (almost a whole month, to be exact) and that's just too bad. There are a few people that actually read this to find out if I have been updating it or not, and most of the time I have not, so I'm giving them a little treat with this post. I guess. Well anyway, things are going pretty swell with me, at least as far as life goes. I've got a roommate now (Josh) and he's pretty cool. I also got a lot of new equipment for my mac, such as a harddrive and an MBox2 with protools. That means I should be cranking out some new tunes, but to say they will be awesome would be just guessing at this point. I'm actually writing this on Josh's 24 inch iMac, which is sweet, but not at the same time because my optical drive went to hell on my Macbook Pro, so it's getting fixed right now. A week without my mac is pretty sad, but I'll have to deal with it.

Want to know something else?

I've realized that my life is far too busy lately, so I've been taking measures to slowly settle it down, such as giving up student government. I'm currently the media diresctor for it, and that is eating most of my time, but here's the issue: Why the crap am I wasting my time away into an organizatin that I neither care about nor beling in? No one gives a rats about SGA, including me, so I don't know why I'm in it. Well, I do know why, it is due to the fact that I could just get recognition for my media work, and get publicity for my talent! How sickeningly prideful of me. Since realizing this, I have decided to cut it out of my life, it is not beneficial. However, there are other things that have been proving to be really beneficial for me, such as my relationship with Grace. She is such an amazing woman of God, and I'm still trying to figure out how this is working out so well. I know it's God's will, and it's awesome that he's helping us to grow together, but it's still beyond me. She is one of the few girls I have ever met that can actually capture my attention, and whom I can spend time with and not be bored out of my mind. It's great. Also, Greek is really awesome, although hard. It's great to be able to learn the language of the new testament, and I'm getting alright at translating it! It's crazy.

This weekend we were supposed to have a bonfire at my aunt's house, to hang out and spend time together as a big old family, but I got an email today that she is back in the hospital with an infection. That's not good. So if you guys want to lift my Aunt Sharyl up in prayer if you think of it, that would be cool. Thanks.

...

I guess...

that's it.

first day of the year (or something)

So I'm back at school and already being ridiculous. Yesterday was probably the most "ridiculous" day that I've had in a while. Well, it was the night that our folk band (thus far remaining unnamed) played for the welcome back party in the Lew. That went over fairly well, but there is a huge pre-story to this semi-crappy story. So this day was the last day of our DP3 training sessions, etc, and we were supposed to have a break from 2:30-4, in which I was going to go to Guitar Center and pick out an acoustic guitar. So me, Fish, Mike, Rachel, and Justin went to check it out. I saw two really nice guitars and was playing both of them, trying to decide between them. it took me a while, but I kind of decided on which one. By this time it was about 3:46, which was 14 minutes before our last session began, and it was about a 15 minute drive. I wanted to leave pretty quickly, but Mike decided to be a little kid and say "But I really wanna show you this new Roland synthesizer guitar hook up sender/reciever extravaganza! (or something along those lines)" And then we waited, and he played with it, and I was impressed, and then we left. so I'm booking down the road, trying to make up for lost time (it's about 3:54 now, possibly later, who knows?) we get to the intersection on Waukegan, and suddenly, a FREAKING FREIGHT TRAIN comes a-chugging down the tracks. All hope of getting to the session on time have just been decimated. So I turned off my car and we listened to "Freight train blues" by Bob Dylan. We got back to school at about 4:17(ish) and I turned off the car (so I thought) and jumped out, locked it, and ran to my session. As the night progressed, I looked into my pocket and didn't see my keys. I was like, "huh." I tried to find them, but could not. After searching for them a few more times, I realized they were lost. This was about 7 o'clock. There was really nothing I could do, though, because our set was at about 8:30, so I would worry about them later. At 7:15, a security guard comes into the Lew and announces that there is a Honda Accord (two door, wisconsin plates, yeah MY CAR) running in the Carlson lot with the keys locked inside. I just freaked, mostly because I realized that I was a moron. I got my keys out since I had a spare key, and then we played our set and it was pretty good.

so today was the start of my classes, and stuff like that. I feel that today has nothing on yesterday, so I don't really know what to write. I'm going to call Grace three times, and I got a score of 452,300 on Duck Hunt. Thats about it.

Today.

There is such a freedom in driving down the highway.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I've been doing a lot of praying lately.

God is good.

Even though I don't know where he is right now.

It's a hot weekend.

I'm back in Kewaunee for the weekend, and I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time, for anyone who reads. I've been working up at Lake Lundgren for about a month now, and we don't have access to blogging or myspace or anything like that, so my apologies. It's good to be back in town, but the parents aren't home, so it's too bad I didn't get to see them. Today I slept in until 11, which felt really good. It's good to be lazy, but this next week I have a cabin of little guys again, so that will be draining. Life's been pretty busy, but at the same time sort of slow. It happens that way when you live in the Lake Lundgren bubble. I love that place, but it's kind of frustrating that I don't really know what's going on, and a lot of what I think about at camp doesn't really matter when it comes down to the real world (like chapel starting on time, or the issue of what night games to play, etc). It's just tiresome worrying about program stuff over and over again. On a more pointless note, I checked out the transformers movie last night, and that pretty much made my week. I am a big fan of the series, and the movie was great as well. I'm going to finish my afternoon with laundry, then probably skate at the barn tonight. some thoughts:

I like owning a car.

...Jones cream soda will be sporting some of my photography come the end of the summer, count on it...

...Kansas and Less than Jake have been stuck in my head...

I shaved, and it looks really weird.

I'm addicted to Stephen King right now.

Small town weekend.

This weekend was pretty good, but I was expecting it to be. Lindsey was up, so we got to hang out and do the things that we like to do. We watched some movies, went to Door County, skipped rocks, walked on the beach (cliche, I know.), listened to music, laughed, played Frisbee, sat around, went skateboarding. It was really nice.

That's pretty much what I have to say about that.

On another note, I am leaving Thursday for the booming metropolis that is Pembine, Wisconsin, to work at Lake Lundgren Bible Camp again. I'm really excited, but at the same time, I'm kind of

NERVOUS.

I don't really know why, but it's kind of a feeling of uncertainty, that I don't know how this summer is going to go. I'm anticipating how this summer is going to surprise me. I dunno, I have been really thinking about the future lately, and although I have so much to look forward to, I am scared to look forward to it. Why?

....Well, I will tell you...

I don't want to become one of those people that are just obsessed with the future, waiting for it to come, and can never enjoy the present. Know what I mean? I guess that's it.

Oh, and you all need to go listen to Dntel. Thanks to Stephen for showing me. It's brilliant.

Life is pretty rad.

Well, it has been super long since I have actually written anything on here, but heck, I guess I'm not that devoted. I get those streaks every once and a while where I am going to be a ######## awesome blogger, but then I remember that life happens, and I forget for a long time. But now I am back, I can't say for how long, and I can't give any promises to how much I will be writing in this, but I can say one thing for sure: Life is pretty awesome...

Not because I have a perfect life...

Not because I am a super human...

Not because I can fly (that would be cool, though)...

...But because I am living...

I have a girlfriend. She's awesome, and new, and I'm doing my best to try and understand what she says, where she's coming from, and how I can be awesome for her as well. She's great, we laugh, we do random things, we (try to) watch movies, she lets me act like a moron, we speak our minds, we pray together, we pray for each other, we go out. It's pretty cool, but at the same time, it's hard.

I have friends. They're awesome, some new, some old, and I'm trying my best to be a good friend. We get separated, we lose touch, we have fun, we act stupid, we drive together, we work together, we write to each other, we laugh at each other, we prank each other, we eat together. It's pretty awesome, but at the same time, it's hard. Really hard. People get mad at each other, and sick of each other, or disappointed in each other. But the cool thing is, that's natural. It's probably the best time of my life when I accidentally treat someone unfairly and they accept my apology, and we learn from the mistake and move on. I like it.

I have a family. They're awesome, some different than me, others the same, others misunderstood. We see each other's best, each other's worst, we fight, we laugh, we cry, we live together, we go shopping, we eat together, we yell at each other, we poke fun at each other, we pray with and for each other, and we love each other. I get so frustrated with all of them at times, but I am so glad that I have them. Without them I would not be who I am today, because of them I have a better understanding of what love is.

I have a job. In fact, two jobs. They're pretty awesome, each very different yet equally enjoyable. I flip burgers, I check beds, I pray for kids, I swim, I scoop custard, I laugh, I listen to music, I deal with customers, I deal with campers, I teach God's word to my kids, I play games, I prank my fellow employees, I worship, I live. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with these two places to go, that I can earn money while at the same time make friends and interact with people, as well as advance the Kingdom of God.

I have a car, a great computer, an iPod, clothes to wear, new shoes, a skateboard, a snowboard, three guitars, a drumset, a cell phone, speakers, and more. I have a ton of "stuff". Stuff that I don't deserve, but I have it. God has blessed me so much in this area. I am lacking in absolutely no area in my life. I have plenty of food to eat (a little too much, in fact), I have more clothes than I can wear, and extra stuff that I don't use, but I would NEVER give it away. What's wrong with this picture?

You know what I don't have?

A good relationship with my Lord and Savior.

I want that really really bad.


Thank you, God, for blessing me with all of these things. Thank you for being present in my life even when I don't spend enough time with you or seem to care. Please be patient with me as I find more time to spend with you, and when I screw up time and time again. Thank you for your grace, patience, love, and forgiveness thus far. Let my life glorify you.


Amen

P.S. And thanks for Coldplay. They rock.

I am so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick!

Today was the first day back from Easter break, and school hit with a vengeance. Not only do I have a sinus infection and am on antibiotics for it, I didn't sleep well last night, even on Niquil. I woke up this morning and looked out the window, and it was SNOWING! On April 11th. That is absolutely ridiculous. So, my mood was already not so good by the time I got up and going. However, Today was pretty good in general. I had a writing exercise in poetry today, which was actually pretty fun to tell the truth. The rest of the day was pretty much trying to stay dry and warm. Fish put his car in the ditch today, which, suffice to say, made me laugh. He has triple A, though, so he got out just fine. Sweet. That's really all I have done or had to say, I am going back to work now.

Home for now.

I have been home for a day now, and I have been thankful for the family that God has blessed me with. Strange, messed up, and at times very annoying, but my family nonetheless, and they love me no matter who I am or what I have done. This is an amazing thing. I have been getting back into reading the Scriptures more as of late, trying to piece together what God wants for me, because too many times things happen to me that hurt, and rather than turning to God I turn to other things that (I think) are better, like music or cigarettes, which is crap. God help me, I need to make you first in my life right now. No girl, band, cigarette, or any book written by C.S. Lewis, for that matter, is going to fulfill me the way that you can and will. Please forgive my insecurities, my imperfections, and the fact that I can't fully trust you or take you as seriously as I should. Erin warned me about asking you to break me, because you are. Help me to grow from this, help me to come out of this with scars rather than wounds that never heal. Help me to learn, to forgive, to forget, to quit, to rely on you. Thank you, my Father, for being a God of patience.

Lord Help me.

We are no longer an "us". It's your will, but we don't know why. We obeyed you, through tears, through confusion. Please show me what to do, because I am so lost, so distracted, and I am far too busy to be grieving...

whoohoo!

The day after a good day, with a stupid conversation.

Yesterday was a pretty great day, I didn't go to many of my classes. I know, that's bad, right? I don't think so. It was just one of those days where I needed a break from the mundane, and it was really good to just hang out and have a carefree day. Last night a bunch of us (i.e. Ezra, Matt, Michael, Joel, Andrea, Hannah, Jo, David, and I) went go carting at the "Enchanted Castle", which was pretty lame, but really fun because it was a group of 9 college students going go carting in this small indoor park, and Ezra, the crazy pacific islander, was smashing into other drivers. It was really funny to watch, since we had to split into two groups. Andrea was first, and ended up being last, because she wasn't that great at driving. It was a good time, though. After that, we played some mini golf, during which I was the only person to hit my golf ball into the water hazard. Although this sound bad, I wasn't the worst player. Then we headed to Wheaton and had ice cream at the Seven Dwarfs restaurant, which was pretty good. I gave Nate a call but he was in musical rehearsal until 11:30, so we didn't get to hang out. We drove back to school, and Ezra, Matt, Andrea and I went for a drive to Highland Park to hang out and smoke a cigar. We ended up hanging out there until about 2 am, just talking about stuff. Afterwards, when we got back to Trinity, we prayed together, which was really good. Then I slept until about 12:30 today. I got online, and I had a conversation with Drew, the guy who draws the comics at www.toothpastefordinner.com. It was going well, and he was asking me a lot of questions, and then I asked him a few, and he said "its a bummer answering a bunch of personal questions, I'll see you later." and he signed off. What a lamewad.

Something you definitely need to do.

Hello everyone, here is something that you need to do. get those little fingers moving and type www.youtube.com into your browser, and search for the user: drewtoothpaste. Watch all the videos, and your life will be better. Plain and simple. Drew is hilarious, and probably one of the funniest people alive. Do yourself a favor and go there.

we're off to the races again.

I signed my contract for dp3 next year. I will be leading our floor bible study and be the spiritual leader for the floor. Looks like I have a lot of maturing to do. I know that God's power is made perfect in our own weakness, but a lot of times I think that if I try REALLY hard, and work at it I can become a super Christian, which (by the way), is not really possible. Oh well, it was worth a shot. I guess I am still going to have to rely on God's grace and mercy, and cope with the fact that I screw up way more than I ever want to admit. God is such a curious being, I am always bewildered at his mercy, grace, and forgiveness, and completely amazed that He continues to bless me day in and day out, when many times I don't stop to even give him the time of day. Not that he needs the time, anyway. After all, he DID create it. Not to mention it doesn't really apply to Him, but that is just getting into a whole other confusing topic, so I am going to stick to loving Him in the confusing times, holding onto Him in the tough times, and strive to humble myself before Him and seek His face at ALL times. It's going to be hard, but so worth it. You should give it a try. If you are having a hard time with it, give me a call, I would be glad to pray with you. Not because I could give you advice, but because I am working on pursuing God as well. We're both in this together.

Something I have realized as of late.

I put no effort into my relationships, and I wonder why others don't get a hold of ME?

How selfish of me!

For those I have forgotten, shafted, left waiting, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and used, I am so sorry. It's not you, it's me. I am just thankful you all are so dedicated where I am so selfish. Lord, please forgive me for this sin of selfishness, and friends, please forgive me for not noticing you. I am so grateful for you, don't think otherwise, I have just realized that for some reason I just didn't think that I needed to do anything about it.

Well. I was wrong. Expect a phone call/ email.

a revelation

About a week and a half ago, I was at a winter retreat with the youth group I work at. I am a small group leader for freshman guys, and I was their counselor for the weekend. Needless to say, it was a ton of fun. During the retreat, I had a sort of vision from the LORD concerning my ministry. I have known for about two years that the LORD has called me into youth ministry. I had always thought that this was a call into conventional youth ministry, where I would be a full time youth pastor at a church, and everything would be great. However, at this retreat, God showed me a different vision. He revealed to me that I am to be a part of a non profit, para-church organization, to minister to the outcast kids (skaters, potheads, goths, geeks, etc). I was filled with images of this ministry, and I felt led to do it in the Appleton area. I was blown away, because this was not something I had ever thought of/ planned on. After the retreat, I called Leah and told her about what transpired. She told me that something like that had happened in Appleton already, where a ministry had bought an indoor mall and made a skatepark, paintball area, and concert hall deal. She said that it had lost funding, but while it was going, it was one of the biggest youth movements in the midwest. She knew the founder's daughter, and she said that when it lost funding, he said that he believed this ministry was not done, and that he believed it would start up again. I was excited when she told me this, and began to wonder if this was something I should be involved in. I have been praying about it for a while. Today, we were told that we would have a guest speaker in our foundations of youth ministry class. I got in there, and the speaker introduced himself. His name was Dave Lehman, from Appleton, Wisconsin, and he was the very same founder of that youth movement! He had come to Trinity, and was speaking IN MY CLASS!! The Holy Spirit shook me, and I was completely amazed. I talked with him afterward and explained my story, and he was amazed as well. I gave him my number, and we are hopefully going to be in contact. Praise be to God!

A prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please change me. I know that I have not been as close to you as I should lately. How could I be? I didn't have time for you. I was too busy to be filled with your spirit, I was too interested in other things, I was too selfish. Please forgive me. I know that you have showed me many things, and are preparing me to minister to your people, and I want that more than anything. I'm just not ready. Help me to know you more intimately, to seek you purposely, and to know your will for my life. Break me, Lord. Crack this useless, man made shell that I have created, and mold me into the man you have created me to be.


In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

All offensive posting for the new millenium

Isa ruhu-lah 'alaihis-salat was-salom
nastagh-firuka ya Hakam
Ya Dhal-Jalali wal-Ikram
Isa ruhu-lah 'alaihis-salat was'salam
ya Halim, ya Qahhar
ya Muntaqim, ya Ghaffar!
la Ilaha ilallahu, Allahu Akbar

translates to:

we ask for Your forgiveness, O Judge
O Lord of Majesty and Generosity
Jesus Christ, peace, we pray, be upon you
The Patient One, The All Compelling Subduer
The Avenger, The Ever Forgiving
there is nothing worthy of worship except God, God is the greatest!


What an incredible prayer. Want to know something? It's an arabic prayer from the Qur'an.

We ask for your forgiveness, O Judge, for we have wrongfully judged others.