Working in the computer lab, much cooler.

So I'm here. Working. I'm bored out of my mind. Well, not completely bored out of my mind, but kind of bored. I still have my mind, is what I'm trying to say. To prove it to all of you, I will write this creative story:



"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper."

-Children's nursery rhyme, 1795


Jack hated his sister, Jill. She was always following him around, wasting his time and asking him stupid questions. Just because he was older didn't mean she had to annoy him every waking hour, did it? If he took a walk, she had to take a walk. If he wanted some cereal, she would want cereal. If he wanted to ride his bike, she wanted to ride her bike. And so on and so forth. It was almost getting to the point that her bowel movements were timed to his. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? It was, and that is precisely what got Jack so fired up in the first place.

Jack decided to talk to his father, Captain Daniel Spriggs, about this predicament, but he had to wait until he came back from one of his expeditions. You see, Jack's father was a famous captain of the flag ship "Debunker" It was a silly name for a ship, but it happened to undergo some very serious expeditions, such as hunting for pirates, killing pirates, recruiting pirate navigator to find secret pirate ports, and transporting the King's favorite pipe tobacco.

Jack had to wait for quite a while, since this particular trip was taking his father longer than usual. Little did he know that his father was actually a pirate himself, and hid this from the King (and his family) by killing his entire crew of imperial soldiers each trip and replacing them with pirates. Thus he would spread the pirate influence all around the globe, while simply telling his friends back home that his crew were just transferred to another port. There is no logical explanation for how he pulled this off for over 20 years, but apparently the local populace was not too bright.

During this time, Jack was constantly being annoyed by Jill. She even began to time sneezes and yawns perfectly to the ones emitted by Jack. Jack knew that younger siblings could copy their older brothers or sisters, but this had to be indicative of some type of personality or identity disorder! Once his father was done pillaging a tropical port about 400 miles away, he returned to the humble port town from whence he came to spend time with his family. Of course, Jack was waiting for him.

"Father!" Jack moaned as his rapscallion of a paternal figure strode up the front walk, "Jill won't stop copying my actions! It's really annoying!" Jack said this while flailing his arms wildly around his head. This whole experience with Jill had definitely turned him into a real loony. His father realized this, and, in order to help out his lunatic son, gave Jack a chore. "Jack, can you go up to our faucet on top of the hill in our backyard and fill up this pail?" Jack looked up at his father in exasperation, wondering why the hell his father wanted a pail full of water, or why he wouldn't answer his question. However, children were more obedient back in these times, so off Jack went, to fetch a pail of water. "weird kid." his father muttered as he counted his pirate booty.

Jill was inside, actually minding her own business for once, when she noticed Jack outside, walking towards the gigantic hill with the "family pail" in his hand. "Hmm..." she thought. "I wonder where that brother of mine is going? I think I'll follow him and then scare him! That would be funny!" So she grabbed her favorite doll, Milly, and ran out the back door, already giggling at the thought of what she was about to do.

Meanwhile, Jack was in a very grumpy mood as he hauled the family pail up the hill. Why did he have to complete this stupid chore? It didn't make any sense to him, and only made him even more ornery. He was thinking about how angry he was at the whole situation when he breached the hill. He lowered his pail into the porcelain faucet and began filling it with clean water. He finished his task and turned to walk back down the hill. As he was about to walk down, Jill popped up behind a mulberry bush and screamed "Hey, Jack! I want to walk with you, too!" while waving her arms around madly, as she has been seeing Jack do lately. Little does she know that her annoyances have caused this strange quirk, and her repeating it only makes it worse. Jack is caught off guard and suddenly falls off the side of the hill, and begins to gain momentum as his body flops wildly as a rag doll. Jill thought this looked really entertaining, so she fell after him. Jack hit the bottom and realized that he had just received a minor skull fracture, and began to cry.

Then Jill hit the bottom.

Her legs were thrown awkwardly to the side, and her head lolled unevenly onto the ground. Jack slowly got to his feet and examined his sister, to find that she had broken her spine in several places, and had no pulse. His tears immediately dried up, and he began to laugh, dancing in a circle around his antagonist's corpse. He began to scream, "Daddy knew what he was doing! Daddy knew what he was doing!" at the top of his lungs, all the while dancing like a madman.

His father looked out of the study window and noticed his son dancing around the crumpled body of his daughter. "Weird kids? Fucked up kids is more like it." He exclaimed, and lit his pipe.


THE END


now i know that the generally accepted history of this nursery rhyme is that Jack was Louis XVI, and that Jill was Queen Marie Antoinette, but this is so much better. See? I haven't lost my mind at all.