It is cold outside, and so am I.

Life is way too complicated as of late. There are many issues that have been brought to my attention, both by way of friends as well as through conviction by the Holy Spirit of the Living God.

Complication number one- this burden of school has bent me to the point of breaking. I want to take a semester off more than anything, yet I fear that if I do so I will never come back. I study, I sweat, I stress, and I miss sleep. I have found out that I indeed will pass everything. I am even getting some A's. Has that brought relief? No.

Complication number two- I am so defiant. I tried to lead a Bible study last night on the spiritual discipline of Submission, although I simply became frustrated and convicted, and not much leading was done on my part. I realize that this whole cigarette smoking and being cynical and all that it entails is simply an effort on my part to "stick it to the man" or whatever the hell you'd wish to label it with. I don't want to follow trinity's rules, or so I tell myself. I don't want to go to Chapel, but today I realized that every single semester I have been here, i have blown off Chapel credit, trying to show others that I don't care, but freaking out at the last minute and getting just enough. No joke. Benjamin Krogh's chapel credit record still stands at exactly 32, no more, no less, each semester. I've barely made it each semester. Why? What is the point of this defiance? I have a lot to think about.

Complication number three- I want to play music. SO MUCH. I want to play music so badly that I immaturely composed my last sentence out of two words in all caps. That alone says something. I have a burning desire to do nothing but play, to write, to sing. I want to play for Chapel, even, to serve the Lord with my talents. And yet, week after week, I watch my best friend using my bass, my other friends using my bass, even acquaintances using my bass. I have yet to play it for Chapel this semester. I have been given the opportunity to lead worship tomorrow night. However, it is being held in a smaller building, others are busy, and many friends who I asked to attend will be busy. Why? Because the Lord God Almighty has seen it fit to beat me over the head with humility. And I hate it. I want people to know that I can write good music, hell, damn good music when I put my mind to it. But that is selfish. But now that I have found the desire to deny myself and simply worship, the Lord gives me worship opportunities that ensure that I will do just that.

If Pride cometh before the fall, when will I find the edge of this cliff upon which I have been stumbling?