It is cold outside, and so am I.

Life is way too complicated as of late. There are many issues that have been brought to my attention, both by way of friends as well as through conviction by the Holy Spirit of the Living God.

Complication number one- this burden of school has bent me to the point of breaking. I want to take a semester off more than anything, yet I fear that if I do so I will never come back. I study, I sweat, I stress, and I miss sleep. I have found out that I indeed will pass everything. I am even getting some A's. Has that brought relief? No.

Complication number two- I am so defiant. I tried to lead a Bible study last night on the spiritual discipline of Submission, although I simply became frustrated and convicted, and not much leading was done on my part. I realize that this whole cigarette smoking and being cynical and all that it entails is simply an effort on my part to "stick it to the man" or whatever the hell you'd wish to label it with. I don't want to follow trinity's rules, or so I tell myself. I don't want to go to Chapel, but today I realized that every single semester I have been here, i have blown off Chapel credit, trying to show others that I don't care, but freaking out at the last minute and getting just enough. No joke. Benjamin Krogh's chapel credit record still stands at exactly 32, no more, no less, each semester. I've barely made it each semester. Why? What is the point of this defiance? I have a lot to think about.

Complication number three- I want to play music. SO MUCH. I want to play music so badly that I immaturely composed my last sentence out of two words in all caps. That alone says something. I have a burning desire to do nothing but play, to write, to sing. I want to play for Chapel, even, to serve the Lord with my talents. And yet, week after week, I watch my best friend using my bass, my other friends using my bass, even acquaintances using my bass. I have yet to play it for Chapel this semester. I have been given the opportunity to lead worship tomorrow night. However, it is being held in a smaller building, others are busy, and many friends who I asked to attend will be busy. Why? Because the Lord God Almighty has seen it fit to beat me over the head with humility. And I hate it. I want people to know that I can write good music, hell, damn good music when I put my mind to it. But that is selfish. But now that I have found the desire to deny myself and simply worship, the Lord gives me worship opportunities that ensure that I will do just that.

If Pride cometh before the fall, when will I find the edge of this cliff upon which I have been stumbling?

yearning for Narnia

I really hate living. Don't take me wrong, I love the people I live with, I love my friends, I love my family. I love viewing the creation that my Lord and God has blessed me with, and I certainly love recreation such as skateboarding, snowboarding, guitar playing, writing, etc. However, I am really sick of the life in which we live. I know that my last post discussed this to some extent, but as I explained, my battery died and I couldn't quite finish.

Like I said in my last post, I am in love. I wouldn't trade that for anything, and that is not something that I am hating at this present time, by any means. Grace is to me what her name implies. The fact that I am blessed by this amazing woman of God who supports me and loves me no matter what is nothing short of the "Amazing Grace" of God. I know, it's a cheesy line that I will most likely causing her to roll her eyes at for the rest of our lives.

What I do hate is the triviality of suburbia, the triviality of earning tons of money only to save it, the triviality of the 9-5 shift, the triviality of keeping up with the Joneses. I feel somewhat like the Teacher:

¹ The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

² "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

³ What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

⁴ Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

⁵ The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

⁶ The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

-Ecclesiastes 1:1-6

I walked into our suite the other night, to see that my suitemate Kale was watching the end of the Chronicles of Narnia movie. I sat down to watch this with him, and was surprised by the fact that I was almost brought to tears by it. I wanted nothing more than to run off to an imaginative place, to not strive here anymore, to simply live my life and not worry about the "meaningless" things of this world. I have been yearning for "Narnia" lately. However, there is hope for me:

⁷ Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. ⁸ Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. ⁹ Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. ¹⁰ Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Ecclesiastes 9:7-10

That's what I plan to do. God help me, I'm going to live this meaningless life.

It's been a while

So it has been quite some time since I have taken the time to post on this old blog here. My apologies.

So what has been transpiring in my life, you ask? What's been making me tick?

Autumn is an excellent season, that's for sure, but I find that I begin to reminisce more in this season than any other time of the year. It's almost as if I sit back and say, "what have I done with my life thus far this year?" I find myself remembering the "good times" and summer time and many other situations that have come and gone and I am still here longing after. I don't want to be here at school. I want to stay out late and run through the grass with no shoes on, I want to be apart from streetlights and car alarms, and I want to be in love and have nothing else to care of worry about. This burden of life troubles me, not in the extreme that I would love to "off myself" and be done with it, but more in the sense that these days I don't want to do anything but drop out of school and live my life apart from all of this madness. I want to write, play music, start a family, and do things I like. I don't want to worry about the next assignment, I don't want to become so stressed out that my stomach hurts, I don't wish for this place where the highway is constantly busy and the money is made, and I certainly don't desire this feeling that I am unhappy simply due to the fact that I have a project to finish.

I realized this on the trip up to Marquette, Michigan that I took this past weekend with Grace. We drove for six hours, and it was one of the most peaceful things that has happened to me in a long time. We could drive, listen to music, choose to not listen to music (if we wished), talk about life, each other, whatever we wanted. And that was amazing. As we drove, we got farther and farther away from the things that held us captive. There were fewer cars, fewer restaurants, fewer streetlights, fewer buildings, fewer things altogether. The further we went, the more relaxed I felt. I was able to appreciate a Northern Wisconsin autumn, and see the gorgeous color that flecked the trees as well as the ground. It was beautiful, plain and simple.

There is no way that I am going to waste my life away in suburbia. NO WAY.

And another thing. I'm in love. I know this sounds ridiculous, and I really hate to hear about others' love lives, but it's a fact. I have found a love that is pure, that loves me even though I am a jerk and let people down. It's a love that thinks I am funny, even though everyone knows I'm not. It's a love that I relate to, a love that doesn't bore me. A love that is my best friend, that I can spend time with and not wish I was somewhere else. It's incredible. Grace and I will be married, and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I realized that this weekend.

I have so much more to say, but I am in Bib Interp and my battery is going to die. Those thoughts will have to wait.

I have so much to do.

I have so much to do. It's true. I have a Greek exam after this Biology Lecture, my Bib Interp paper is due tomorrow, I have a Bib Interp exam on Thursday, a Biology exam on Friday, and I work this week, not to mention Student Government, as well as Bible Study. Crap, I'm over involved and I don't really know what to do about it. I guess I can propose a leadership change at Student Government, that would probably be the best.

Life problems aside, God is really good. I have been so blessed lately, and even though I am struggling with many different things, God has given me friends and family that have been able to give me the support that I need to get through it, or even to simply talk through it. What do I do to thank him for this undeserved help and support? Not much, let me tell you.

I went home with Eric for fall break to Grand Rapids, and stayed with his family. It was great.

We created some good memories, everything from going to Common Ground every single day we were there to getting tattoos together. I won't ever forget this weekend.

I got to see his little brother, Carson, again, and I guess I'm now "adopted" into the family. It's sweet.

I talked to Grace about many things this weekend, about the future, money, us, and other important items. I've been kind of a numbskull but she has been so patient.

The Lord is good and has provided me with all of these things that I don't even deserve. Heck, I haven't even really tried to deserve them, I've just been sort of a negligent son.

The Lord is so amazing when we can't even get to the point where we are deserving of anything he gives us. Isn't that crazy?

I'm about to break down... (get it? fall BREAK?)

Hey y'all. I'm about to go to work, for about 7 hours tonight. Its a pretty substantial shift, if I do say so myself. Afterwards, I will be going on a little journey to Grand Rapids, Michigan, with my good friend Eric Fisher. It will be an awesome trip, filled with giddiness and maybe some concerts and tattoos. We will see.

I just wanted to write in here quick and say a few things, because I realized that I haven't written in here for a bit. I'm still alive, I assure all of the few that read this, and I plan on writing more in the future. I've just been really busy as of late. I got a new job at Starbucks, which is cool, so that's been a big time hog with me getting trained and everything. I'm also trying to be a vegetarian... again. Eric and I have decided that we didn't eat THAT much meat anyway, and it would be healthier for us to just try going veggie. So we're about a week in and I actually feel pretty dang good.

I've also been noticing lately how much America is enslaved to food. I will now work a shift and drink a venti glass of soy milk for dinner and be fine. And you know what? I realized that drinking soy milk for a meal is fine. Because I have plenty of reserves in my body that I don't realized, and my stomach is only accustomed to eating three times a day. When my stomach growls, it isn't hungry. It's just letting me know that "Hey, Ben, you're not eating when you normally do! That's kind of weird." So many people (including myself) have this mindset of "if I want to have a good time, I should eat something." It's my goal to rid myself of that annoying nuisance of a mindset. It can only hinder us as a culture, not help us. So that's my goal.

Also, it's cooler today and I'm listening to Brand New. I went to all of my classes, and I have been blessed with amazing friends and an absolutely gorgeous female friend. The Lord is good.

In class, being great.

So I'm sitting here in Bio lecture, bored out of my mind, so I decided to write a little post here. Last night we had our floor Bible study, and it was really really good. All of the guys had a lot of good stuff to say, and it was a great discussion. Afterwards, Grace and I were talking about things and I shared some of the stories that were shared with her of modern miracles and whatnot. I don't remember who brought it up, but we started to talk about how so often we hear of these great things happening that the Lord is doing, but we aren't really amazed, or we write it off as hokey. We realized that our lives are filled with so many facts, and so many scientific proofs, that we have lost our natural wonder for things in life. We see a flower bloom, and that's cool. But we know that due to photosynthesis and pollination, the flower is able to bloom. Yesterday, I watched the stages of mitosis and meiosis take place before my very eyes in Bio lab. Prophase, Metaphase, Anaphase, and Telaphase. All of it. That's being able to see changes at the cellular level! How ridiculous is that? Don't you wish that you didn't know as much sometimes, so you can fully be amazed when you see the first snow, or a spring rain, and not know that it's simply the water cycle? Wouldn't it be great if you didn't know how everything worked? Granted, I love the facts that we do have, considering because of those facts we have antibiotics, computers, cures for diseases, and preventative measures against such things. I just think that sometimes I would love to experience the world through the eyes of a child again, and be completely enthralled by the sight of a new bug, or by the feel of grass beneath my feet. It would just be nice.

So those are my thoughts at this moment in time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pay attention to learning about DNA structure and function. I'll see you later.

Saturday, the 29th.

It’s a strange feeling that you get, when you’re someplace that you’ve been before, but not quite. Yes, it’s the same, or at least, feels the same. It’s a Saturday morning, the books are on the bookshelf, and the soft autumn sunlight is falling upon the pillows. But it’s not the same. It’s different because this isn’t where it was last time. This is here. Now. Now she is at work, and I am here, left to think, left to read, left to let my mind wander. Wander to where? To a place where this day lasts a lifetime and these bittersweet feelings are my everyday companions? To a place where our voices utter exactly what we mean to say the first time? To the future, which is filled only with delusions and hopes, fears and desires? No, my mind cannot wander down those hallways, because it will always return to me here, empty handed, to realize that none of that matters. What matters is that I am here, looking out the window and hearing the cars go by, and that I would give absolutely anything to become the man that can say exactly what he means without sounding foolish. It astounds me that I have felt the overwhelming need to write when it seems that I have absolutely nothing to say.